Wednesday, November 5, 2014

The Case of the Missing Sausage

This story begins with sausage.  This sausage to be specific:

My favorite breakfast is definitely biscuits and gravy.  I blame the year that our family lived in Georgia for this preference and it might just be my glorified memory, but I think it tasted better in the south.  I guess I was only eight, but I like to think I've always had a mature palate. I also gained a love for grits (delicious buttery grits...mmm...), but this story isn't about grits, it's about sausage.

As often happens, about a month ago I was craving biscuits and gravy so naturally, I picked up some sausage during my weekly shopping trip. I had grand plans for this sausage.  With one pound of sausage I can make biscuits and gravy, top a pizza (along with pepperoni of course), and have enough to throw together breakfast burritos.  My happy little pound of sausage with great potential sat in my cart, had a nice ride in the car and made it to my kitchen.  But there's another important character in this story:

I have the cutest shopping partner in the world! He and I go grocery shopping together each week while the girls are at school.  And you know what?  He is so sweet when it's just him! The boy who is often horribly moody and fights with his sister to no end turns into a perfect angel that wants to hug me and say, "I love you mom" sporadically throughout our shopping trips. 

Anyway, the story continues with me putting the groceries away.  This boy loves to "help" get things out of the bags and I turned from putting something in the cupboard to see him running circles around our island, giggling, with the sausage in his hands. Who knew sausage could cause such joy?  I turned my focus back to putting the groceries away because it's one of my least favorite tasks and I wanted to get it done.  With all the food put away I felt accomplished and happy inside.  Done!

Fast forward about a week at dinner time.  Where is the dang sausage?  I remember taking it from my shopping buddy and putting it in the fridge but it's not there. Maybe I put it in the freezer? Nope. Wait. Maybe I made up the putting it in the fridge memory? I do that...I make up memories all the time. Grumpy about no biscuits and gravy, I made some other lame dinner and reported to my husband that there could be a pound of sausage anywhere in the house.  Turns out when you ask a three year old where he put the sausage he looks and you blankly and says, "what sausage mean?". Follow-up question: "that tube of meat you were running around with, where is it?"  Three-year-old response, "MEAT!!!! I no know."

Fast forward about a month from sausage purchase. Boy did we look for that sausage.  I searched all the typical hiding places and more.  I cleaned and decluttered our house in preparation for our daughter's surgery.  I concluded that I had made up the entire sausage purchase, or it got thrown away. Then I was putting away my shopping buddy's clothes and found a can of tuna in his drawer. Weird. I had forgotten about the sausage, but finding that tuna made me remember. Then, that very day as I was walking in from getting the mail my 5 year old girl ran out squealing with a very bloated package of sausage. "Look what I found in one of our toy cubbies!" Now let me take a second to describe this sausage tube that sat at room temperature for a month. Turns out when left to do its thing at room temperature, sausage expands and this package had expanded so much that it had impressive stretch marks. It was so tight that a light puncture or squeeze would have caused an explosion. I couldn't help but picture a sausage explosion in the kids' bedroom...shudder. I wish I would have taken a picture but instead I did an involuntary gasp and tenderly ran it to garbage can. Needless to say, I had a conversation with our three year old about not storing food in our bedrooms. Case of the missing sausage closed.

Enter plot twist!  Later that evening I was retelling the story to my attractive husband when a sheepish five year old approached me and said, "I put that sausage in the toy cubby."

The guilty party?? I did not see that coming.

I was thoroughly surprised and asked her why in the world she would do that. Turns out she was wanting a turn with the sausage but while being chased by her brother, put it in a hiding place so he couldn't get it.  Kids.  


  1. So I typed out a whole comment on my phone the other day, and then it disappeared. Dang!

    This is a great story. I loved it, and I read it to Paul later that night. I especially liked the twist at the end. Ha ha! I could totally picture the sausage even without a picture. Too funny.

  2. Haha! I love it! I was so captivated and on the edge of my seat! You tell a great a story too, Paula. I just love that picture of Katie and the caption. So good. I pick this one to go viral. Oh I think I just jinxed it...Oh well. Thank you for posting. This was a treat to read. :)

  3. Hahaha wow, this is a fantastic story. Mom tried to tell me this story in the car the other day and I told her not to tell me because I wanted to hear it straight from the source! And I'm glad I waited, you are a wonderful story-teller (like Jamie said). This is just too funny. I even lol'ed, out loud! :)